“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Cop: what? no 72
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
M: You’re welcome.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.