*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
This kid will have a bright future.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.