[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”