[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
it’s the silliest best thing
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.