[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
welp
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope