[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,