[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
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*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!