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Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
#parenting
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway