[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”