Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.