Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.