*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.