[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
You Might Also Like
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?