*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.