If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
multitasking lunch
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please