Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
You Might Also Like
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know