tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You Might Also Like
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No