tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.