Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.