“TGIM!” – My liver
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it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
nobody’s gonna understand
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Oh my God.