Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
#milo
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still