@JesseFernandez

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

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@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@ericsshadow

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

@iwearaonesie

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

@TheBoydP

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

@CulturedRuffian

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

@bornmiserable

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*