Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: Wake up
Me: We’re late
Me: The house is on fire
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.