Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor