Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.