Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Mummies are just super modest zombies
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.