Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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Just grow your own
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
this is the best day of my life
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager