Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual