Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

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Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.


I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.


[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan


cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go


All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.


A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.


I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like


Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.


Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there