Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Catering service
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…