Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
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Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
i’m sure it’s fine
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.