Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Only Americans understand
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
tourist season
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
The struggle is real.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
same vibe as tangled headphones
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me