Thank heavens for community notes
You Might Also Like
I told my vodka about you.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
💀💀💀💀
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.