Thank Satan it’s Monday.
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.