thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
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I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??