“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Beware…..
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
#math
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”