Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
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the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick