Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Google reviews are always so mixed..

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind