thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Boss: Can I have a word?
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
doc: it’s still March
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
At Toys R Us:
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind