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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
This is always good for a laugh.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time