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we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan


Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked


I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.


black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow


At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.


According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later


[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?


Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.


2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.


What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”