@Lance_Said_This

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@staticmess

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

@illTortuga

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

@Smooheed

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

@UNDEADTRESOR

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

@thegallowboob

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

@KatherineOwen01

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@MisterD78UK

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

@NYC_Blonde

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.