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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.


From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.


‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’


Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.


Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.


its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads


“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain


I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late


Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.


The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.