Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
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Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
This one’s “Alex”.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.