Wife: Wait here.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
You Might Also Like
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.