Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
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My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.