@curlycomedy

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

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@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

@notalogin

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

@FattMernandez

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

@Aspersioncast

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

@OctopusCaveman

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

@STRIKINGxVIKING

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

@DjKC_117

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

@psybermonkey

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

@

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

@KevinFarzad

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.