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A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”