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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.


[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.


Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline


“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”


[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax



Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution


[Pizza falls on the ground]



-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.


Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them


My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.


My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.