Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
This is a true ally.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
HOW DARE YOU
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums