“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Become ungovernable.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer