Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake