Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
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When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Beware of fowl play.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Something Saturday.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago