@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

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@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

@pilau

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

@krystaunclear

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

@MensHumor

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

@Havish_AF

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

@INeed_AnAdult

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

@noog

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

@AmberTozer

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them