Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

You Might Also Like


Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.


her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k


Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this


Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.


When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.


Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.


I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.


Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them