Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.