Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”