Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
And bowling should be called pinball
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Oh boy, $150,000!
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.