Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.