Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
guilty
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)