@weinerdog4life

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

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@jonnysun

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

@weinerdog4life

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

@merican_ninjy

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

@LoveNLunchmeat

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@Book_Krazy

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*