Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.