Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

what could possibly go wrong?

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

What’s this sorcery? 😂

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words